Five Steps to Talking With Your Kids About Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
How to translate complex messages without watering down his life’s work.
Two years ago, my 4-year-old daughter and I sat outside, eating lunch on a beautiful Sunday in January. She took a bite of her quesadilla and said, “Dad, I heard that Martin Luther King Jr. had to die because white people wanted him to be dead.” I nearly spit out my drink. Google “shocked GIF,” and your favorite one is exactly how I looked. I knew her class was learning about Dr. King, and admittedly I was curious about the lessons she would pick up or how she interpreted them. Of course, she was familiar with Dr. King’s work. As the product of an interracial marriage, she has to be, but to this point, I don’t think I had mentioned that he was assassinated for trying to better our family.
I knew this was my moment. As a writer, a Black man, an advocate of voting rights, and an outspoken adversary of those who’ve decried things like “wokeness” and Critical Race Theory, my initial response was, “don’t f this up, Ryan.” So we went inside, picked up a book about Dr. King’s life, and read. We talked about his life, death, and how his dream for our life is very much alive today.
If you want to talk to your kids about Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., I encourage you to do so! If you’re nervous about talking to your kids about his life, that’s okay! The goal isn’t perfection. I’ve studied his work since I was a kid, and I was still nervous and probably said a thing or two wrongly. But much like his message, we cannot walk alone, which also applies to parenting, so to honor his legacy, I’ve written a few ways to help you talk with your kid about Dr. King.
Give them the “why.”
If your kid asks, “why do we celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. Day?” you don’t have to get defensive. That defensiveness can appear in either “oh no, my child doesn’t know who Martin Luther King is!” Or “oh no, my child is too young to know about Martin Luther King!” If your child is old enough to be out of school because of his holiday, they’re old enough to learn about him.
So why do we celebrate him? Well, we celebrate him because he was the most prominent American figure from the civil rights movement of the ’50s and ’60s. His non-violent movement helped usher in a wave of equality for Black women and men to partake in the same liberties as white Americans, such as voting, using public restrooms, eating at public restaurants, and marrying outside of their race. But, of course, if that’s not the definition you want to use when talking to your five-year-old, I don’t blame you.
Translation:
Dr. King dedicated his life to fairness and making life fairer for those who weren’t treated right during an important time in our country.
If this is their first time hearing this, they don’t need a Ph.D. explanation of Dr. King’s impact on the world. They just need to have it broken down on their level. If Dr. King were on their playground, who would he be? Well, he’d be the kid helping smaller kids up the ladder after the big kids prevented them from using the slides. It’s not the perfect analogy, but it’s a start.
What not to say:
“Dr. King made life fair for everyone!”
A. That’s not true, B. He didn’t do it alone. In fact, the mobilization of millions of Americans allowed the civil rights act to pass, and the activism of thousands, including most prominently his wife, Coretta Scott King, allowed us to remember his work in the first place. Dr. King was a leader; even the best leaders can only do so much. That kid on the playground, helping smaller kids enjoy their playground, didn’t make the big kids play nice, but day after day, they worked to make the playground fair for all kids.
Connect his message to their life.
Like everything in life, we want to know what this means, for better or worse. We all know adults who think they’re the main characters of the world, but kids take that idea to the next level. When my girls are out and about, they’ll just tell anyone what our neighbors are doing today, like this older man walking with his headphones on knows who Theo is or even cares that Theo’s soccer practice was canceled because the coach was sick. You can’t just assume that children will care about Dr. King’s life because we do. You’ll need to show how his work impacted their life.
Translation:
Did you know that people of different skin colors in many parts of America couldn’t eat at restaurants in public together? Or go to concerts together? Or even go to school together? Well, Dr. King and many others didn’t think that was right, so they worked together to ensure you and your friends had the same opportunities, no matter what you looked like.
These kids were born in the 2010s. They don’t know what the world was like in 1960. They don’t know what the world looked like when Justin Bieber and Ludacris hit us with ‘Baby’ for the first time. But they do have friends, and they’d be sad if somebody foolishly told them they couldn’t play with their friends because their skin was different. How silly!
What not to say:
Dr. King is why you have so many friends who look different than you!
Dr. King’s advocacy and approach resonated with many across the country. Still, he was deeply hated by most white Americans and the American public at large at the time of his death. Dr. King isn’t solely responsible for the changes of today. Instead, he is a powerful example of how one person can inspire generations of ordinary people like us to make long-lasting changes.
Be honest about his cause.
We’re guilty of looking at the life of Dr. King and boiling it down to one line in his I Have A Dream speech where he said, “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.” It’s a great line, but it’s often taken out of context and used by people with zero interest in participating in Dr. King’s dream. Dr. King advocated for equality and justice, but he was also anti-poverty and anti-war and was not particularly pleased with the white moderate. Are you going to relay this to your five-year-old? Unlikely, but you can be honest about his work.
Translation:
Dr. King had many dreams! He dreamed of equality for children like you. He also wanted people in charge, like Presidents and Mayors, to help people in need, both here in our country and worldwide. He felt it was everyone’s responsibility to care for their neighbors because when one of our neighbors is hurting, we should help them.
I don’t think the point here is to get philosophical on war and homelessness. These are complex issues that require a level of geopolitical and local policy expertise that, let’s face it, most of us don’t even have. But Dr. King didn’t just care about equality for Black people; he cared about justice for all, including the unhoused, refugees, undocumented folks, etc.
What not to say:
Dr. King just wanted everyone to get along.
That’s kind of accurate but missing a mountain of context. Sure, all civil rights leaders wanted people to get along, but they knew simply requesting that people stop being mean to each other wasn’t enough. Dr. King also knew that this wasn’t a “both sides” issue, meaning the people in power had the burden of creating change because Black people never wanted the injustices we faced in the first place. He knew that hoping all the kids would get along on the playground wouldn’t make it happen. Sometimes you need to lift the kids who need it, work with the teachers to change the rules, and continue the work until all kids are treated equally.
Be honest about his death.
A white supremacist assassinated Dr. King on April 4, 1968, on a motel balcony in Memphis, TN, hours after giving what will forever be known as one of the most prophetic speeches ever. In it, he said, “I’ve seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the Promised Land.” As I mentioned earlier, Dr. King was arguably the most hated man in America at the time of his death. Nevertheless, his assassination changed the course of American history and was an awakening for many that America would not tolerate bigotry and hatred.
Dr. King didn’t just die. Dr. King was only 39 when he was killed, and before his death, many other white supremacists tried to kill him and his family. In addition to Dr. King’s assassination, there was Rev. George Lee, Emmett Till, Medgar Evans, James Chaney, Andrew Goodman, Michael Schwerner, James Reeb, Viola Liuzzo, Vernon Dahmer, etc. Some of these activists fought for equal rights, and white supremacists did everything they could to prevent any progress.
Translation:
I’m going to leave this up to you. Talking about death with a child is challenging. Necessary but tough. Every child is unique, and you, as their parent, know how to approach it. When I first talked to my daughter about Dr. King’s death, I told her some people in the world don’t like change, and some of those people do evil things to prevent others from changing the world for the better. But our job is to continue fighting for change to honor the people we’ve lost who fought for us. So you can take that, adapt it, rework it, whatever. Just be honest in that his death wasn’t an accident. He didn’t die of old age. He died because somebody emboldened by a racist history didn’t like what he was saying, and that is wrong and unjust, and we can never let those people win.
Let’s get to the action!
This is it. This is where the work happens, mostly for you because your kid is just trying to live their little life, but our responsibility as a parent is to set our kids up for success. Being honest about their world is how we do that. Dr. King was a man of action, non-violent action. He didn’t just write letters and give speeches. He worked with adversaries to change laws, and when they didn’t want to change laws, he worked with other civil rights leaders to put pressure on their adversaries to change laws. He knew that people don’t change because you ask them to, but if we demand it, he knew that a better world was possible through persistence and strategic efforts.
What does that look like for you and your family?
Volunteer — Find a program that allows you and your family to volunteer. It could be a food bank or a toy drive, but find an age-appropriate volunteer opportunity and allow your kids to know what service looks like
Donate — We donate our money and even our time, but what can kids give up for the good of society? Their toys! Not all of them, of course (that would be a little extreme), but if they have toys that they aren’t using or books that haven’t been read, give them to others who may use them more than you.
Entertainment — What are you reading? What are you watching? How inclusive is the story, and do they see anybody who looks different than them? If the answer is no, then switch it up! The beauty of inclusivity is you see a diverse group of people doing normal activities, so differences in skin color, hairstyles, and religious practices become normal because it is.
Reexamine — Look at your life. Will you see diversity the next time you’re around a large group of people, say ten or more? Do you see more than one person from a marginalized background (because one person doesn’t make it diverse)? If not, you’ll need to be intentional. Family structures can be difficult because you can’t necessarily create family diversity overnight, but you can within your friend circles and small groups. Work to ensure your life reflects the dream, so these big talks become more normal with time.
Remember - the goal is not perfection; it’s progress. “Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable… Every step toward the goal of justice requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle; the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.”
Step into the struggle, the discomfort, and the “oh shoot, did I handle that right?” We walk this road together, no matter where it goes.