Courtside Forever Episode 20 | 20 Practical Tips for New Dads
Welcome to Fatherhood! Here are 20 practical steps to make your life easier.
Author, Ryan Rucker, and his newborn baby.
Being a new dad is hard. There are societal issues at play, as we’ve been expected to know things our whole lives. And now you’re holding this mini version of yourself as you think, “I’ve gotta raise this thing?”
And then your role as a partner changes. Before, you and your partner were like Shaq and Kobe, but now they’ve turned into LeBron James while you’re trying your best to be Dalton Knecht.
Being a new dad is like riding a rollercoaster. The highs are high, and the lows will have you screaming like a baby. (Oh, is that just my experience as someone who doesn't ride rollercoasters? Well, hopefully, you get the point.)
New dads will get all sorts of advice, a lot of which is suspect at best, which is why, for this piece, I’ve got 20 pieces of advice for new dads that are practical, designed to make you feel seen in this crazy new stage of life.
Thanks for being here! Let’s get to it. If you'd rather listen to this piece, you’ll find a free link to my podcast below.
Never be afraid to step into your feelings.
Feelings exist. I don’t know how we came to this place where men were told not to be emotional and keep their feelings in check. If your baby did something sweet and you want to cry, cry. If you’re exhausted and need to let out a good cry, cry.
This is a beautiful time in your life and I’d be so bummed for you if you spent all your time trying to hide the very real feelings that occur when becoming a dad for the first time.
Be patient when it comes to bonding.
Connection doesn’t always happen instantly. I was able to connect with my first daughter right away, which made things relatively easier for me as a new dad. But my second daughter was tough, and I felt hopeless, mainly because I thought I was doing something wrong.
Every baby is different. Bonding may or may not happen on the timeline you have in your head, but as you’ll do for the rest of your life, continue to show up and be there for the moment when that connection starts to click.
Don’t worry about being perfect, just be present.
Guys have this need to get it right. I just watched an episode of Parks and Rec where Ron Swanson is making chairs for a new restaurant and he’s taking his sweet time because everything has to be perfect. Well, that’s not how things work in fatherhood.
You’re gonna make a lot of mistakes. It’s part of the gig as a dad, especially a new one. Sometimes you just have to learn by doing it because there is rarely ever a perfect time to get it right.
Ask questions, and ask them often.
Have you ever listened to a conversation between two people where they can talk for an hour without a single question being asked? It’s just statements and stories back and forth with reactions along the way. When you’re a new dad, you can’t just rely on statements and assumptions. To get answers, ask questions.
As dads, we’re not gonna know everything, including what our partner needs in this season. Ask them! Also, if you’ve got other dads in your life who you look up to, ask them questions! There is only power in gaining knowledge and avoiding avoidable hurdles.
Make space for your identity.
Recently, I did a whole episode about this, but there are dads who think your life is over once the baby comes. They have no idea what they’re talking about. Sure, things change, but you’re still the same person your kid is going to need as they get older.
Whatever your identity is, lean into it. You don’t have to get dad shoes and crisp polos if you don’t want to. Step into Baby's R Us in a pair of Off-white Jordan 11s and stay true to you. There are a billion different versions of dads - make it a billion and one more.
Give your partner emotional support.
This is gonna be my second Parks and Recs reference within this episode, so bear with me, but there’s an episode where Chris Traeger and Ann Perkins are having a baby, and Chris, the most positive man in the world, is trying to turn all of Ann’s pregnancy pains into bright spots. But as anybody whos been pregnant can attest to, sometimes it just sucks, and after some tough love from his friends, that’s what Chris learned. Listen, don’t fix anything, and sometimes just say, “That sucks.”
Make noise, get outside.
I remember hearing this advice when I became a dad, and I thought there's no way this person’s for real. I’m telling you, this advice is for real. When Rae was 2 weeks old, we took her to my brother-in-law’s birthday at an indoor race track. Now, I wasn’t right next to the track, but it definitely wasn’t quiet.
Anyway, Rae slept throughout the entire event, and what’s cool is that when we got home, and the dogs barked, and things dropped, and normal life happened, she wasn’t used to this perfectly serene and quiet house.
Be smart about it, of course, but live your life and bring your baby into your world.
Reach out and ask for help.
You don’t have to carry this alone. In fact, you literally can’t. The concept “It takes a village” exists for a reason, and that reason is because life is so much better when it’s done in community. Weird things are gonna happen. You’re gonna have questions you’d never think in a million years you’d have, so have no shame in asking friends and family for help. I can’t speak for everyone, but most people have people in their lives who are dying to be of assistance.
Pause first, react later.
You’re gonna come across some trying times as a new dad, whether that’s struggles with a partner or your new baby. Emotions can run high, and throw in a lack of sleep, and this new parenting stage can be a disaster for relationships. Let me encourage you to pause and take a beat when you’re feeling tense and ready to react. Are we talking small potatoes or big potatoes? That line was for my wife, and she’s gonna love it.
Taking a minute to breathe can change your life. And maybe you get back into real life and the room is still on fire. Hopefully, not literally, but if it is, you’ll be in a better state of mind to respond in what was designed to be a stressful period.
Speak to your baby as much as you can.
I hate when men say nothing good happens in the first year of fatherhood. That couldn’t be further from the truth! There are all sorts of studies that show when men talk to their babies, the connection is strengthened. Sure, they don’t speak back, but they communicate—I promise they do.
Sing to your baby. Speak to your baby. Read to your baby. These moments help build a connection for you and your little one.
Take shifts.
Okay, so not everyone loves this advice, but I’m saying it anyway. When our girls were born, my wife and I would take shifts. I would do late shifts and early morning because I have a tough time going back to bed once I’m awake. Allie’s got no problem with it, so while intermittent sleep isn’t ideal, it’s what worked. She may have been up with one of the girls in the middle of the night, but when I woke up, Allie could then sleep a few extra hours later, as I at least got a few hours of uninterrupted sleep. There’s no need for both parents to be exhausted.
Some nights, it did happen. It wasn’t a hard rule but more of a general understanding. If she said, “I need you,” at 3 a.m., I’d be up, and vice versa, but taking shifts helped both of us stay as fresh as possible in a season when we needed it.
Prep the bottles and other baby gear.
Small things, big things, everything counts. When you’re prepping the bottles or folding laundry, find little things you can do to help the family thrive. Don’t expect extra credit, that’s not how this works. You did your job, congrats, so if you’re not feeding or recovering from creating a human being, step in where you’re needed to keep the mental load as light as possible for your partner.
Add your baby to your benefits package.
Some places have a 30-day window after your baby arrives to add them to your insurance plan. Every place is different, but whatever you do, make sure your baby is covered.
This might take a couple of minutes, but it’s so important to ensure there are no hiccups in a season with a million doctor appointments.
Check your paternity leave benefits.
This one is so important. I know a lot of men who have no clue what their paternity benefits are. Some don’t have any through their job but might have some through the state. Some have protections at work but you have to be there a certain amount of time before you can access them.
Whatever it is, contact your rep and talk about the benefits. Do your own research because some of your reps might not have all the info you need. Dealing with work issues is the last thing you want to deal with in this newborn stage so do the work as soon as possible to avoid any issues down the line.
Recognize your importance.
Dads matter. I know we often take a backseat to moms and babies, and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but we all have a role to play in raising a kid. In basketball, we love to show love to the star players for how they show up in the moments that matter most. That’s great, but who do you think they play in practice? Who do you think pushes them to be better every day? That last person on the bench is putting in work that the world may not see but the star player crumbles if not for the support of others.
Not everyone thrives in this scenario. Some dads want to be the star out the gate and if that’s the case then that’s too bad. But recognize your value in your role and be ready because your value is greater than you know.
Let go of idealized expectations.
Accept what fatherhood really is, not just what you imagined it would be! Some dads saw themselves as the heroes and then find themselves folding onesies on a Tuesday night while watching Chicago PD. Others saw themselves kicking back in this season and then find themselves on an F1 track in a 2008 minivan.
Take every day as it comes. Some days will be hard, some days will be a breeze, but welcome each day with the understanding that you are exactly where you’re supposed to be.
Work out.
I know how easy it is to stay inside and not take care of yourself in this season. There were days I’d watch the sun go down and think, “Huh, I didn’t get outside once today.”
Go for a walk, hit the gym, do a meditation session—whatever works best for you. Moving your body does wonders in this stage of parenting, and your future self will thank you for staying active, especially when that baby starts to walk.
Apologize when you mess up.
Stop being defensive. Nobody has time for that. You’re gonna make mistakes, you’re gonna mess up, you’re gonna be wrong, and that’s when dealing with your partner and your baby.
Acknowledge your faults, acknowledge that you might be wrong. Even if the problem is 1% your fault, own it, call it out, and move forward with respect and love for learning and doing better.
Take lots of pictures and videos.
Today is the youngest your baby will ever be and the oldest they’ve ever been. Blink and your baby won’t be a baby anymore. I know a lot of us feel like there’s a dozen or so photos of us as kids but today we’ve got phones that allow us to take photos whenever we want.
Don’t go crazy. Be present in moments, as there’s nothing sweeter than watching your baby figure out if they like smashed peas or not without fidgeting with a camera. But if you’re with Grandparents or a friend you don’t see often, take pictures and videos of these special moments because things tend to change faster than we’d like.
Treat yo’ self!
That’s right. Today, I am ending this piece by giving you a third Parks and Rec reference! But for real, sneak in little treats throughout your day. I have this shower mist that smells like a sauna. I don’t always use it, but when I do, I feel like I’m in a relaxing sauna, even just for a few minutes.
Get a couple of Sour Patch Kids, add an extra pump of vanilla to your latte, and you know what? Put on the cozy pajamas- get crazy. Find little ways to treat yourself throughout the week and show up well as a dad in this season.