Defining Selflessness

A tribute to my late Grandma, Dorothy Latham, and how her life of complete selflessness made me the man I am today.

“You’re a good dad and you’ve raised a beautiful girl.”

You will never meet a woman sweeter than my Grandma. The heart of a saint, the soul of a saint, the selflessness of saint. Simply put, my Grandma was the best and I am going to miss her terribly.

Dorothy Latham, GG as Rae called her, passed away this week. She was just a few days shy of her 89th birthday. I’m still processing this but her husband of 65 years, my Grandpa, also passed away this week just hours before her and on Raegan’s birthday. It’s been quite the week and I am absolutely drained.

At some point I would like to honor my Grandpa and the role he played in my life but for now I’d like to focus on the most selfless woman I’ve ever know.

My emotions are all over the place right now. On one hand if there was ever a person who I had zero doubts about being in heaven it’s her. Grandma held her rosary beads and prayed every day. Grandma put everyones, and I mean everyones, needs in front of her own. She wanted to know how you were doing and if you asked her the same question her response was “Can’t complain and even if I did who’d want to hear?”

You want to know how sweet my Grandma was?

In 2010 I temporarily moved back to New York for a job that was coincidentally in my home town. My mom owned a home in Gansevoort, NY that my Grandparents lived in. The home had a huge basement and since I was single, had no ties to anything in California at the time and the Yankees had just won the World Series I thought “why not go back home for a little bit and see what it’s like?” My Grandparents had come to California to visit for Christmas and right after the new year I packed up my things, hopped in the car and proceeded on a 4 day memorable cross country road trip with my Grandparents.

Grandma, Grandpa and me before we set off on our road trip.

Maybe one day I’ll write about that trip but today I want to focus on a specific memory from that time.

I was working for a retailer where wrinkled clothes were kinda in style. One day, after maybe a week of living with my grandparents, I come home to find every single piece of clothing I owned had been perfectly ironed and creased. I mean perfectly.

Looking at my closet I was amazed at the fact that my Grandma took at least 8 hours of her day to iron everything I owned. I also thought ‘I didn’t ask for this.’ It wasn’t about the ironing, the gesture was beyond sweet, but her life was spent doing every single thing for my Grandpa that I didn’t want her to feel she needed to do every thing for me, too. I approached my Grandma about the topic and this is how it went.

“Hey Grandma, thank you for ironing my clothes. Just so you know, you don’t need to do my laundry. I can definitely do it myself.”

“Oh, it’s no problem!”

“Thank you, but you really don’t have to. I’m happy to do my own laundry and ironing.”

“That’s okay, honey. I’m happy to do it.”

“I know but I’d just prefer not to have all my clothes ironed so you really don’t need to spend any time ironing for me.”

“I’m so sorry, honey….”

I felt awful. She called my mom later that evening crying “I think I really upset Ryan by ironing all his clothes!” My mom called me to tell me about it and we certainly had a good laugh. It also showed me that serving others is what she lived to do and to be honest at times this bothered me.

My Grandparents had a love story unlike any other. They loved each other deeply but those 1950’s gender roles were still very prevalent in their home in the 2010’s. My Grandma did everything for my Grandpa. Cooked every meal, breakfast lunch and dinner. She got all of their pills. She did all the grocery shopping while he controlled the tv. None of this sat well with me. Grandma would make her digs, put him in his place if you will but at the end of the day I always felt that Grandpa got his way and I had a tough time seeing this.

That’s why it bothered me when she ironed my clothes, woke me up well before my alarm clock would go off, made extra meals just in case I got hungry. All of this was so sweet and I never, ever wanted her to feel ungrateful. I just wanted her to take her mind off serving others and take care of herself for once. Grandma was so selfless and at times I just wanted her to be a little selfish. She deserved to be!

Long after I moved out Grandma was still serving him and did so up until the day she broke her hip. This injury caused my mom and I to fly back to New York and help them pack up their things to move them back to California to live with my parents (I should note, my Grandparents had originally moved to California after their retirement in 2002 and lived in our town until 2005 before moving back to New York). From 2015 up until two months ago I got to see my Grandparents on a weekly basis and the memories we gained during this time were absolutely priceless on so many levels.

During this time period my family began to take shape. On Christmas Eve 2015 Allie and I broke the news to our family that we were pregnant. In February 2016 we found out we were having a girl. In August 2016 Raegan arrived and Grandma was a part of it all.

GG with Raegan (and Pacer) the day we brought her home from the hospital.

The second Grandma found out she was going to be a Great Grandma she was over the moon. “What is she going to call me?” “How about GG?” someone said. “I love it.” And right then Grandma became the happiest GG in the world.

Over the next three years Raegan was growing up and developing at a rapid pace while things with my Grandma were heading in the opposite direction. Conversations started to get a little tougher but I swear the second Raegan and I walked into their room she lit up.

“God, I love her curls.” “She’s so beautiful.” “Wow, she’s really smart! She’s not like you, Milt (my Grandpa).” GG loved her great granddaughter and it was never lost on her just how special is was for four generations of family to be under one roof.

This leads me to the first line of this post.

Earlier this year our family lost an incredible man, Uncle Gil, who was my Grandpa’s brother in law. Both of my Grandparents had been incredibly close with him since they were all in their twenties living in Glens Falls, NY. The day we found out he had passed I went into their room to talk, not expecting them to have much of a reaction as names and people were beginning to get difficult for both of them. It had also been ages since they had seen Uncle Gil. Grandma was having a good day and she was feeling particularly reminiscent. She went on to talk about the importance of family, how proud of my mom she was for raising me the way she did and ultimately she talked about how proud of me she was.

In the middle of this incredibly sweet and memorable moment Raegan bursts into the room unannounced. She did this finger pointing dance she loves to do, laughed and ran out before I could even tell what had happened. Grandma smiled and that’s when she said “You’re a good dad and you’ve raised a beautiful girl.”

GG making Raegan laugh like she loved to do.

I got a call from my mom in early June. “I have an opportunity to get Grandma and Grandpa the care they need. The only thing is it’s in New York and they have to be there by June 18th.” I was genuinely happy because I knew they needed the care and honestly I knew my parents couldn’t continue to be the primary care givers for both of my Grandparents while working full-time. I was also selfishly sad because all I wanted was for my Grandma to meet Sienna, just once. We said we’d pray it worked out and low and behold it did.

Sienna was born June 15th, two days before seeing her Great Grandparents for the first and last time. I walked into this setting understanding this may be the last time I see my Grandparents. Despite the impending sadness we tried not to focus on that and continued to be present in the moment. My Grandma, who’s strength was low, wanted to hold Sienna so we handed her over and she held her so peacefully for about 20 minutes, much longer than any of us had anticipated. I will always have the memory of being outside on a warm, beautiful day in my parents backyard watching my 88 year old Grandmother hold my 2 day old daughter. Grandma kept looking down, smiling and taking it all in. She knew how special this moment was and the rest of us knew it as well.

I don’t believe we simply appear one day and then we’re gone. The lives we touch as people have profound affects on those around us. The day my Grandma passed I went to my moms house and we sat around telling funny stories and crying. We joked that after my Grandpa had passed he was probably looking around yelling “Dot! Dorothy! Dot! Where are you?” His signature phrases, only for Grandma to arrive a few hours later saying “What do you want?! I’m right here!” My Grandma’s signature response. Their banter was truly legendary.

As my mom and I talked, even as I write, the one word that keeps on coming back to us in regards to my Grandma’s life is selfless. My Grandma dropped out of school to work and support her mom and family. My Grandma dedicated her life to her husband and three kids. My Grandma dedicated her life to the excellence of their business. My Grandma dedicated her life to her grandkids, great grandkids and family. Grandma was selfless and at the end of the day, isn’t that what we’re called to be as parents? Aren’t we called to do everything in our power, lay down our lives, to ensure the children we bring into this world are able to thrive at a level that we could only dream about at their age? My Grandma did just that, every day of her life.

One of the tougher aspects of being a parent is removing your previous self and dedicating the bandwidth that used to be spent on gossip, video games, movies, etc. and now shifting that energy into teaching, training, providing for others. In a world that wants us to consume everything it can be difficult to remove your personal needs from what’s necessary to help others grow, specifically your kids.

It makes me uncomfortable to sit here and say Grandma never initiated a vacation. The only personal shopping she ever did was out of complete necessity. I once bought my Grandma a lobster roll, knowing how much she loved Maine Lobster, and when she heard it cost me $16 she almost started crying knowing I spent $16 on her. Selfless could not be removed from her DNA and I sit here as a high school and college graduate, professional, home owning, vacation taking, city commissioner, church leader, small business owning husband to a phenomenal wife and father to two amazing girls all because one woman chose to lay down her life for the benefit of her family. I understand that everything in my life was made possible by her selflessness. My life was built on the shoulders of intentional dedication from not only my Grandma but my mom who’s subsequently modeled her life after her mom and best friend.

Now it’s my turn. Dorothy Latham built a legacy, one that started in 1930 but will carry on long after even I’m gone. Her legacy lives on in my home, with my daughters who I pray find a similar selflessness in themselves as they grow. Grandma would genuinely be uncomfortable knowing that she is the center of attention but when you live a life like hers I believe you deserve a world of recognition.

Grandma’s last earthly memory of me is sitting in the backyard of my parents home, Sienna in my arms, Raegan holding my hand as Allie and I beam over the love we have for our girls. Grandma was so, so proud of the father I had become and I will forever be thankful for the fact that I truly know this, because she loved me enough to tell me.

Grandma, you will never be forgotten. My journey as a father will always be dedicated to you and the example you selflessly set for our family.

I love you, GG.