Becoming a Father Against All Odds

How intentionality and sacrifice helped me become the dad I always wanted.

A young Ryan Rucker with a sweet green sweater.

1 out of every 4 children in America is living in a home without a father. Growing up I was the one.

That means I was more likely to end up in jail than my friends with two parents in their home. I was more likely to drop out of high school than my friends with two parents at home. Fatherhood.org has a number of statistics provided by the US Census Bureau that seem to tell the same story; the odds were not in my favor when determining whether or not I’d be a productive positively contributing member of society.

As the one, the world did not and does not expect me to be an involved, caring and intentional father or husband yet here I am, proving everybody wrong who assumed they could fill in the blanks for a life led by a Black man raised in America without a dad.

Statistics are easy to consume and understand. If I heard I was 4x as likely to get sick eating from plate A than plate B you best believe I’m grabbing plate B. What we fail to understand is history may be a good indicator of future probability but by no means does it dictate future certainty. Too often we allow statistics to dictate our future and we begin to let the numbers determine where we’ll end up. If we choose we have the ability to utilize our strategic thinking capabilities and change the statistics to create the world we want to see.

A young Ryan Rucker with the best present a kid could ask for in the 90’s.

While I may be the ‘one,’ statistics don’t account for the support system I had growing up. My mom had a full-time county job with good benefits and good flexibility. One of the perks? Her job was across the street from my grandparent’s restaurant where my grandma created flexibility in her schedule to both watch me and run a business. On top of the county job my mom also worked at my grandparent’s restaurant and even stepped into the real estate business for a while. She gave me the master bedroom in our home, she never missed a basketball, track & field, baseball, soccer game (I was a busy kid). She sent me to every basketball camp in upstate New York I asked to attend and she even convinced Santa Claus to get me a Sega Genesis, a basketball hoop, and all the newest kicks in the ’90s including the Jordan 12’s and the Nike Foamposites.

Additionally, we lived in a townhome that my mom bought when I was three and on one side was our home and the attached home was my grandparents home. My mom gave me everything and looking back on my life, dad or not, it would be a surprise if I ended up dropping out of school or going to jail given the resources and support I had as a kid. Maybe my life didn’t follow traditional fatherless statistics but that’s because my mom sacrificed to give me everything… while having a lot of help.

Me and my mom

My mom didn’t pursue child support from my dad. Unbelievable, right? As a parent her reasoning completely makes sense. When we talked about this a few years ago and she said he was either going to be a part of my life by choice or he wasn’t. By pursuing child support from a man who was pursuing other ventures she feared that would open a door to instability that she didn’t want for my life. Instead, she worked three jobs to give me a stable home which is in large part why despite the worlds best efforts I didn’t follow historical fatherless statistics.

Her intentionality to protect me by not pursuing my dad’s financial support, buy a small home in a great neighborhood with a great public school and invest in my childhood is the reason I’m currently sitting in a home I own with my wife of six years and our two beautiful daughters. It’s tough for me to sit here and say I’m glad my dad wasn’t around because the feeling of being unwanted by a parent still hurts as an adult. Let’s just say if I had the opportunity to change anything in my story I can’t say that I’d change a thing.

My mom moved mountains so I could overcome the odds facing children of single-parent homes today. This is why I care about fatherhood as much as I do. I lean heavily into the fatherhood space because I reject that historical data needs to be indicative of our future. There is not a person on earth who could have raised me better than my mom but I’d be mistaken if I didn’t acknowledge that I am also a product of my environment and my community. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, teachers, baby sitters, neighbors, coaches, local business owners, community developers, you name it. When the village intentionally works together we can overcome almost anything.

As parents when we come together and eliminate the ideas of what’s possible in our world we can accomplish incredible things for our kids. When our communities reflect what is right in the world our kids are much more likely to thrive. As people we create the world that reflects who we are and while I will do everything in my power to ensure that our daughters are set up for success I understand that my wife and I can’t do it on our own.

Our own parenting comes from both positive and negative examples of what we learned growing up. It comes from story tellers who’ve been where we want to go. It comes from authors and podcasters we’ve never met who’ve made a tremendous impact on our home and marriage. They say “Do something if only you can’t imagine yourself not doing it.” I can’t imagine myself not speaking about parenting. I can’t imagine myself not speaking about life as a dad. My story is unique, in a way, and through all the assumptions of who a kid like me was supposed to become I want to encourage other parents, especially dads, to shatter statistical expectations of who they think we’re supposed to be.

Photo Credit: Jana Contreras Photography

I’m Ryan, my wife is Allie and our daughters are Raegan and Sienna. Allie and I were married on August 3, 2013. Raegan was born in August of 2016 and Sienna is our newest addition, born in June of 2019. We have two dogs, Pacer and Biggie, both rescue dogs, one from a rescue shelter, one literally showed up at our door one day. We live in Vacaville, CA, just on the other side of town from my mom and incredible step dad who’ve been married for 17 years.

On top of my job as a Recruiter, I own a small ice cream business, Be Ice Cream Or Be Nothing, and speaking of Ice Cream, Raegan and I have a YouTube channel, Ryan & Rae Make Ice Cream, where we make memories and messes together on a weekly basis. I serve my city as a Parks & Recreation Commissioner (sworn in April 2017), and Allie and I serve as Young Adult leaders in our church, hosting an incredible group of Young Adults in our home every other week.

I am here to share stories of encouragement on how we as parents can overcome a world that has strayed from it’s focus on families. I am here to challenge historical stereotypes of who dads are supposed to be. I am here to eliminate the world’s perception of me as a Black father. I am here to encourage other parents to change the statistics while being encouraged by others to change them myself.

I look forward to learning from you all while I strive to be the best husband and dad I can be.

Thanks for reading.