I Never Had to Come Out As Straight

An essay on Pride and the importance of championing our friends who deserve love, joy, and acceptance as much as anyone.

I never had to come out as straight.

It’s not something straight people are forced to do. Though if you’re gay, coming out is very much a part of your story, and you can never just come out once. In many ways, you’re forced to come out repeatedly to family, friends, colleagues, strangers, etc.

I think about this a lot.

In 6th Grade, I got my first girlfriend. She was a girl almost all the boys liked, yet somehow, she liked me too. Making our relationship official made me feel like the coolest kid in Queensbury Middle School.

When I told my friends I had a girlfriend, their response was a mix of, “That’s awesome!” and “Wait, she likes you?” Our brief relationship was accepted and encouraged by classmates, teachers, etc. The same goes for my following middle school relationships. Middle school dating was typical. Expected even. It was all a part of growing up.

When I married my wife, we were celebrated in our circle. In 2013, we had 200 members of our family and friends gather at a winery in Lodi, CA, to cheer us on as we moved into the next stage of our lives. We danced. We kissed. At no point in our relationship did we have to think twice about our decision to marry or hide our feelings to preserve our safety.

Unfortunately, not everybody has that same support. Not everybody can be as open as we were.

Growing up, I could say I found a girl cute. But if a boy openly stated he was attracted to another boy, it could be a death sentence. Socially for sure, but for others like Matthew Shepard, it was an actual death sentence.

People like the brilliant mathematician, Alan Turing, had his life ruined after being outed. This is a man who is considered in some circles to be the father of artificial intelligence. His work from 100 years ago is incredibly prevalent in our society today. But because he was attracted to another man, he was charged with a crime and forced to undergo chemical castration, with his government believing they could change his sexual orientation. He died by suicide two years later.

From Stonewall to the Pulse Nightclub shooting, the LGBTQ+ community has been under attack for centuries. For what? People have been charged with crimes. Careers were ended overnight. People have been disowned by their families simply because they wanted what straight people had; to be themselves.

And now, as we approach Pride Month, through coordinated campaigns pushed by the most ignorant among us, a month dedicated to a celebration of love is under attack.

We have entered a genuinely insane timeline.

Our trans friends are being harassed and killed. Our gay friends are being wrongfully accused of heinous acts. Retail workers making minimum wage are being screamed at for selling inclusive merchandise and t-shirts with rainbows on them.

Claiming their acts are in the name of children or Jesus, but the hatred shown towards our LGBTQ+ neighbors is in the name of hate and hostility alone.

Pride is about so much more than sexuality. I have always been attracted to women, and it is among the least interesting things about me.

“We don’t have to make everything about sexuality” is a comment I see thrown around on posts that celebrate Pride Month. My fellow straight people, hear me out. We are not the group to make that argument.

Pride celebrates perseverance, acknowledging a brutal history, and openly supporting our friends who have lived through hell and back.

In the words of the great Quinta Brunson — People be gay. It’s really that simple.

You can’t legislate gay away. You can’t pretend it doesn’t exist. In all honesty, do you think demolishing gay rights will make anybody think, “You know, on second thought, I don’t think I am gay. Thanks, Congressman!”

Nobody taught me to like girls. I just do. I was born this way. That’s how sexual orientations work. If the thought of two men spending their lives together stirs some anger inside you, I’d be curious to know why that is.

In every community, in every family, in every church, somebody you know is gay — out or not. That’s a promise. Seeing a Pride flag flying doesn’t cause confusion. A refusal to acknowledge an obvious truth does.

To my LGBTQ+ friends, please keep celebrating. Elected officials may not acknowledge your existence, but their track record of doing what’s right has always been abysmal. History has never been on their side, and it never will be.

If you’re feeling targeted, or worse, if you are targeted, I want to say you are seen, loved, and valued for exactly who you are.

You don’t need to change. They do ❤.️