Man to Man — The Power Of Honest Compliments
The Loneliness Epidemic Is Real. It’s Time Men Took Responsibility.
Last year, I spent a Saturday morning writing at a coffee shop.
Before I left, I stopped by the register to pick up a coffee for my wife. As I look at the barista, he says, "Bro, I love your shoes!"
"Thanks, man!"
I was wearing my Nike Blazers '77 Rayguns. Nothing crazy, but definitely a favorite pair of mine.
We chatted for a minute, and within that minute, the barista learned I'd been married for ten years and had two daughters.
"Dang, bro, I could have sworn you were like 24. You've got great style!"
The barista was maybe 20. Cool kid with immaculate dreads - style straight out of an H&M catalog. I'm not super self-conscious, but, you know, I am closer to 40 than 30. I'm not trying to look 20, but I don't exactly want to look 40, either.
I walked out of that coffee shop with a pep in my step, feeling great about myself. Any of the women in the coffee shop could have given me the same compliment, and it wouldn't have meant as much (I also wouldn't be telling this story right now, I'll tell you that). It was the fact that this completely platonic compliment came from a guy-a stranger, at that-that led me to tell this story a year later.
Men don't get a lot of compliments.
In preparation for this article, I tried to find statistics on how often men receive compliments from anyone.
Google AI says, "Men tend to receive fewer compliments than women." I don't necessarily trust Google AI, but it's a start.
A Reddit Thread from 2024 titled, "As a man, how often do you receive compliments?" had a few noteworthy responses.
"Got one 17 months ago, and before that, I got one in 2017."
"My mom tells me I'm handsome."
"From my family, never. From support people who are paid to be nice to me a few times a week."
I was pleasantly surprised to read a few positive responses as well, but again, not statistics.
As I searched, I found articles encouraging women to give men more compliments, which admittedly makes me uneasy, almost as if we expect women to make us feel better through their compliments. Ask any waitress what can happen when they're too nice to men, and you'll quickly find out why this isn't a reasonable question.
You'd be hard-pressed to find anyone who would say men are thriving right now. We've got a complicated history, and when you look at the male loneliness epidemic, honestly, we have no one to blame but ourselves.
You'll find people who blame our current state of affairs on wokeness, women, gaming, and more, leading to dangerous networks of incels who couldn't look a woman in the eye if their next meal depended on it. Women didn't leave us lonely; we did, and it's our responsibility to fix it.
It's overwhelming to think about how any one of us can dismantle the patriarchy tomorrow. We can't, and the idea itself is slightly more insane than the 100 men vs. 1 Gorilla conversation. Still, there are ways we can make an impact tomorrow that will change the course of history over time.
"Compliments are the easiest way to make other people – and, as a result, ourselves – feel better." This quote comes from Nicholas Epley, a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago. I found it in a 2021 article titled Why we don't dole out many compliments – but should.
Author David Robson writes, "Three new studies on the psychology of compliment giving and receiving suggest that our fears about the ways our praise will be received are completely unfounded. And by letting go of that awkwardness, we could all enjoy better relationships with our friends, family members, and colleagues."
Robson dives into three sections related to compliments;
The rule of reciprocity
Neglected benefits
Compliment calendars
In the neglected benefits section, Robson touches on how we often fail to appreciate the power of our words.
Most people admit to holding back on giving compliments. Why? Because we think they won't matter. Who's going to care if I tell them I like their shirt? Well, more people than you may think.
In a study conducted at the University of Pennsylvania, researchers asked participants to go to an assigned location on campus and deliver a small compliment to a random stranger.
Robson writes, "Across numerous experiments, the researchers found that the participants significantly under-estimated how happy the other person would be to hear the praise, and significantly over-estimated how cringe-worthy they would find the encounter."
It's awkward and uncomfortable, and has a very high success rate for both the person giving the compliment and the person receiving it.
At our core, men just want to be noticed. They just want to be seen. If I walk in the room with a new crisp lineup, it feels good to have someone say, "Ryan! Did you get a haircut? Looks great!"
At the root of why this conversation is even taking place, men often feel left behind (with a heavy emphasis on the feeling, as men are still overwhelmingly driving society’s direction). Young men are turning to outlets that want nothing more than their money and data, and they're being told they're owed respect, money, and status simply because of their DNA. Meanwhile, many of these men struggle to hold a conversation or bring anything of value to the relationship table. Our insecurities are louder today than maybe at any time in history, and everyone on earth knows that something needs to change.
For me, a staple of masculinity is ownership. We need to own our past, acknowledge our mistakes, and take responsibility for the solution to a very real problem in society.
Think about the last compliment you received. When was it? What was it about? Who gave it to you, and how did you feel after receiving it?
Compliments have the power to change the way we view ourselves, improve our self-esteem, and make every one of us try to be a little bit better.
The studies are clear; it doesn't matter who the compliment comes from. As long as it's honest and genuine, men are more than capable of dishing out compliments to other men. If we care about masculinity, as we say we do, we'll get over whatever preconceived notions we've had about kindness toward other men and find ways to change our world one compliment at a time.