The 2023 Dad Draft
40 Iconic TV & Movie Dads Reimagined: The Dad Draft Takes Your Favorite Dad and Sends Him To a New Family.
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 2023 Dad Draft!
Unfortunately, the footage from some of your favorite films and television shows was deleted and lost forever. But don’t worry; studios have come together to refilm all of your favorite scenes. The one caveat is that each film or television show has agreed to participate in a draft where forty of your favorite dads have been made available to film new projects.
Depending on their draft position, a casting team may choose to select their previous dad to reprise their famous role, or the team can draft somebody new to take their place, opting to go in a completely different direction.
Tonight will be a night to remember as some of these dads will have their dreams come true. But, unfortunately, others may have their hearts broken as casting directors and their previous families look for potential upgrades on the road to higher ratings and award season.
We have some of the brightest stars in Hollywood here with us tonight, including Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Daniel Hillman from Mrs. Doubtfire, and of course, Danny Tanner from Full House.
We also have a few up-and-comers joining us this evening, including Jack Pearson from This Is Us and the potential top-three pick in the draft, Bandit from Bluey.
Also joining us tonight are a few controversial dads from families who may be looking to go in a different direction. Of course, I’m talking about the bad boy, Walter White from Breaking Bad, and Cliff Huxtable from The Cosby Show, who, let’s face it, has slid big time over the last few years on account of, you know, being played by a serial rapist.
Regardless, this event is guaranteed to cause a little controversy as forty of your favorite dads in Entertainment history are ready to make their way toward new families and reshoot your all time favorite films and television shows.
Below are the dads available:
Al Bundy from Married… with Children
Andy Taylor from The Andy Griffith Show
Carl Winslow from Family Matters
Christopher Gardner from Pursuit of Happyness
Cliff Huxtable from The Cosby Show
Coach Ken Carter from Coach Carter
Coach Eric Taylor from Friday Night Lights
Daniel Hillard from Mrs. Doubtfite
George Banks from Father of the Bride
Hal Wilkerson from Malcolm in the Middle
Homer Simpson from The Simpsons
Howard Langston from Jingle All The Way
Jack Byrnes from Meet the Parents
Jaime Escalante from Stand and Deliver
Jake Shuttlesworth from He Got Game
James Evans Sr from Good Times
Johnny Rose from Schitt’s Creek
Joseph Cooper from Interstellar
Julius Rock from Everybody Hates Chris
Max Park from Please Don’t Let Me Go
Mike Brady from The Brady Bunch
Phil Dunphy from Modern Family
Randall Pearson from This Is Us
Ricky Bobby from Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
Tim Taylor from Home Improvement
Tony Soprano from The Sopranos
Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Walter White from Breaking Bad
The rules.
Each family will have five minutes to select a new dad in the first round.
Families can select from the list of forty dads available during their selection.
In addition, projects can opt to choose their previous Dad if he is still available, they can trade for their previous Dad if they’d like, or they can opt to select a brand new dad to start reshooting their film or television show.
Trades can happen at any point throughout the draft but only after the transaction is made official through the commissioner.
Trades can be made official by including any additional family member or member of the film or show.
During the second round, each family will have two minutes to select their dad.
Immediately following the draft, each new dad will have one full day to spend with their new family to build chemistry before heading off on location to reshoot their new project.
Earlier this evening, we allowed ping pong balls to select the order for each film or show to draft their new dad. We wanted to avoid any favoritism on our part.
And with that, the 2023 Dad Draft is underway! First on the clock are The Simpsons, who have five minutes to make their selection.
1st pick: The Simpsons
Pre-draft analysis: I can’t imagine anyone else filling this role besides Homer Simpson himself. The show has been on for 30+ years (that’s over 700 episodes to reshoot), and it’s been a classic for just about as long. Why would you ever change that? Though it may not look like it, Homer has the stamina to continue with The Simpson, and let’s just say it; Would Marge ever trade in her Husband? Other characters may be better dads and partners, but this role is too important to mess with.
The pick: Bandit Heeler from Bluey
Post-pick Analysis: Whoa! I can’t believe they actually did it! The Simpsons had a chance to keep their guy and completely changed course! I’m shocked about what this means for both The Simpsons and Bluey franchises going forward, but I’m excited to watch it play out. Marge must have been really fed up with Homer, although I’m hearing Bart may have had something to do with this change. We know that Bandit can handle two daughters, but can he handle a mischievous son? Only time will tell.
Draft grade: A-
2nd pick: The Sopranos
Pre-draft analysis: The Soprano family is still in a good spot here. They lucked out with the second pick in the draft, and I anticipate they’ll take a look at somebody like Walter White, even a Darth Vader from Star Wars. But, ultimately, if I’m The Sopranos, I’m sticking with Tony. Who else is going to fill those shoes or bury those bodies?
The pick: Tony Soprano
Post-pick analysis: This is the right pick. Sometimes you just have to go with your gut and stick with who you know, even if who you know is a mobster with a little bit of blood on their hands. Not to mention, think about the issues they’d have changing the family name. The Whites? A show named the Whites, about a family of mobsters, may have difficulty being picked up by HBO in 2023, though they likely could have found a home in The Daily Wire. Ultimately, this is an excellent pick by The Soprano family, though I hear from sources that the casting team was very close to selecting Walter White. I reached out to the casting team for comment, but unfortunately, they could not be reached on account of them going missing.
Draft Grade: A
3rd pick: The Pursuit of Happyness
Pre-draft analysis: A touching story of a dad you just can’t help but root for. A few months ago, I would have said that Christopher Gardner would be a lock right here to reclaim his role as Dad, but he’s been sliding in recent draft boards for a while now. So the skies are the limit in terms of who they can pick up to run through the streets of San Francisco, handing out life lessons to his son, Christopher Jr. If I’m the casting team, I’m taking a hard look at Danny Tanner here. A great dad who knows San Francisco well. I’m sure he has a few connections in the city to help them get back on their feet. To me, Danny is a no-brainer.
The pick: Uncle Phil
Post-pick analysis: No way! Oh my goodness! They went with Uncle Phil! I am blown away. First, Uncle Phil playing the dad of a character played by Will Smith’s son is just too much for me to process. I mean, it makes sense once you look at the chemistry Uncle Phil had with his nephew, Will, but will that chemistry translate to his new son, Christoper Jr. Are we going to have to call him Uncle Phil Jr? That’s a weird name. Carlton, even? You need somebody intelligent, easy to root for, and assertive. The more I think about it, the more I like this pick! Now, let’s see how far Christopher Gardner slides in this draft as he looks to find a new home.
Draft Grade: B+
4th pick: Don’t Make Me Go
Pre-draft analysis: Amazon’s 2022 indie film, Don’t Make Me Go, lucked out with a top-five pick in the draft here. I know the casting team was hoping to bring back their lead, Max Park, as they had a great working relationship on set, but once they moved up in the draft, sources told me that the team was looking to go big with this pick. What does that mean? I’m not quite sure, but I am pretty confident that Max Park won’t be making a return here.
The pick: John Q
Post-pick analysis: Great pickup by the indie film! If you’re going to move on from Max Park, you need to nail the pick, and I think they did just that. John Q has an excellent history of doing what he needs to do for his kid, and if you’ve seen this movie, you know exactly why John Q was the only man for this job. It’ll be tough to replace Wally and Max’s chemistry, but I’m confident that John Q will step right in and do beautiful things here.
Draft Grade: A
5th pick: Modern Family
Pre-draft analysis: With ten seasons of shows, Modern Family needs to think about the chemistry here. Relationships with a wife and three kids. Two additional Uncles are always around. Sticking with Phil Dunphy here makes a lot of sense, but I’m hearing rumblings that Claire is looking for an upgrade. If that’s true, you’ve got Jack Pearson right there for the taking, and though I could see Claire wanting to go this direction, you’ve got to wonder how Jack would feel about leaving his big 3 for another. If you want to stick with someone funny, maybe you go with Al Bundy, though you might encounter logistical issues between him and Jay Pritchett. Regardless, I’m curious about which route they go.
The pick: Danny Tanner
Post-pick analysis: I love it. The perfect pick for Modern Family. I’ve spoken with his agent, and I’ve learned that Phil Dunphy is furious about losing his family to Danny Tanner, but his family picked up a dad with 1st overall pick potential with the 5th pick. Great value! Danny is used to larger families, constant chaos, and 30-minute episodes that give the audience a great message. Honestly, you just can’t do any better with this pick. Sorry, Phil.
Draft Grade: A+
6th pick: Breaking Bad
Pre-draft analysis: Listen, I can’t imagine anybody other than Walter White in this role. His ability to switch between likable and pure evil is unlike anything we’ve seen on television. If you look at other characters for this role, you might want to consider Bryan Mills of Taken. Maybe even a Jake Shuttlesworth, though I’m not sure he could pull off Walter’s level of crimes. Joseph Cooper from Interstellar is a sleeper pick here, too, as he’s just brilliant and crazy enough to make it work. Regardless, I think they play it safe here and stick with Walter White.
The Pick: Hal Wilkerson
Post-analysis: WHAT?! This cannot be real! Out of everybody to play this role, you pick Hal from Malcolm in the Middle?! I need an explanation! This is the shocker of the draft right here. Walter has a great track record of reliability and has made excellent relationships within the casting department. I just don’t know how anybody could choose Halifax over Walter. This is awful.
Breaking news: Well, it looks like Breaking Bad mixed up their characters. The team was so locked in on picking up Walter White that they weren’t careful and ended up handing the commissioner a picture of Hal Wilkerson. What a shame. I’m hearing through sources that Breaking Bad will look for a trade here, but they will have to unload some valuable pieces like the Gem King, Hank Schrader, or Hector Salamanca. I think it’s safe to say that this show just went from Breaking Bad to Breaking Badder.
Draft Grade: F
7th pick: The Cosby Show
Pre-draft analysis: The Huxtable Family has been in turmoil for years now. Cliff Huxtable, played by the rapist Bill Cosby, has ruined what was at one point one of the greatest shows of all time, killing any chance of future royalty checks coming through syndication. At one point, Cliff was even named the Greatest Dad on Television. So it’s clear that Cliff Huxtable will not be their pick, but with the bad press they’ve received over the years, they will need to hit on this pick if they want a second chance at glory.
The pick: Randall Pearson
Post-pick analysis: Bravo! The Cosby Show (they will definitely have to change the show’s name, right?) nailed this pick. Randall is a dedicated father. He’s intelligent and charismatic and has a fantastic relationship with his wife, who I guess will now be Clair Huxtable. I’m curious to see how Randall does in a sitcom vs. the hour-long drama he’s used to. Randall had his comedy moments on This Is Us, though maintaining that level of comedic performance for 200+ episodes may be a struggle. Regardless, Randall Pearson is talented enough that I’m confident this pick will work.
Draft Grade: A+
8th pick: Bluey
Pre-draft analysis: This is our first pick where our casting directors cannot draft their original character. Apparently, the Bluey team made an offer to The Simpsons, who had the first pick in the draft, but The Simpsons wanted Bingo included in the deal, and Bluey just couldn’t let her go. Regarding the 8th pick, they still have some excellent options on the board, including Christopher Gardner and Phil Dunphy. However, I’m hearing that Phil is still reeling from not being selected by his previous family. I’m even going to throw in Goofy here simply because he’s a cartoon character. Regardless of their direction, Bandit will be next to impossible to replace, but I’m excited to see who they pick.
The pick: Jack Pearson
Post-pick analysis: Interesting! The This Is Us duo goes back-to-back picks in the first round. I sort of expected them to pick Homer Simpson, seeing how he’s already used to being a cartoon character, but Jack Pearson is the King of making you feel feelings. He’s sweet, funny, and next to impossible to replace in his own right. Jack’s a dad with flaws who also seems like he can do no wrong, and while we hope he sticks around a bit longer this time, I think the potential is off the charts regarding who he can be.
Draft Grade: A-
9th pick: Star Wars
Pre-draft analysis: Possibly the most iconic franchise in film history, Star Wars cannot mess this up. Of course, they could always stay with Darth Vader here, but if they want to look around the room, they might want to consider somebody like Walter White, who was not expected to be available this late. But, ultimately, I just can’t see them going with anybody other than Darth Vader here because the stakes of the galaxy are too significant.
The pick: Darth Vader
Post-pick analysis: At the end of the day, the Star Wars franchise had to go with what they knew. I’m hearing there was a faction within the Star Wars camp who wanted to go with Walter White, seeing they didn’t think he was going to drop to 9th, but I’m told with Bob Iger back in the mix at Disney, he nixed any sort of discussion on the matter, leaving the team to select Mr. Vader in the end.
Draft Grade: A
10th pick: Married… With Children
Pre-draft analysis: Married… With Children could go in several directions here. Tim Taylor from Home Improvement is still there for the selection. He would be a solid choice for a 90s sitcom. You also have Coach Eric Taylor available, who, honestly, I do not think would be a fit here at all, but I’m surprised he’s still available. Finally, I’m hearing rumors that Phil Dunphy, still enraged by his now even more Modern Family (sources tell me the decision to move on from Phil was made by his previous Father-in-law, Jay Pritchet), has been making a solid case to be selected here. Again, I’m not sure about the long-term fit, but he does have multiple years of sitcom experience in his favor and none of the misogyny that comes with Al Bundy.
The pick: Phil Dunphy
Post-pick analysis: This is an interesting pick. Phil Dunphy would make a great shoe salesman, but I think he will get eaten up in this world. I think Married… With Children was intrigued by Phil Dunphy taking over as the leading Dad, but if he had troubles with Hayley and Luke (Alex basically managed herself), Kelly and Bud would demolish him. I think both sides are going to regret this pick in two seasons.
Draft Grade: D+
11th pick: Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Pre-draft analysis: With Uncle Phil off the board, the Fresh Prince casting team will have some big shoes to fill. The obvious pick here is Carl Winslow, given his history with leading 90’s sitcom families, but I’m still surprised that Andy Griffith is still on the board. The Fresh Prince cast is no stranger to making difficult decisions that pay off. After transitioning from one Aunt Viv to another, could the team transition from the beloved Uncle Phil to a white dad? We’ll find out shortly.
The pick: Carl Winslow
Post-pick analysis: Fresh Prince played it safe here, and you can’t blame them. With Carl’s history of dealing with Steve Urkle, managing Will Smith and Jazz will likely be a piece of cake. An underrated aspect of this selection is Carl had also dealt with a mid-show wife change, though the Harriette change occurred in the last season when the show was coming to an end anyway. Ultimately, a solid selection for a great show, though I would have loved to see a Christopher Gardner fill-in here, simply for the chaos.
Draft Grade: A-
12th pick: Coach Carter
Pre-draft analysis: Coach Carter has many options still left on the board, but for this film to retain its classic status, they’ll need to find somebody with experience in coaching and probably dealing with inner-city youth. Let’s put it this way — Andy Griffith ain’t walking through those doors. Sources tell me there have been conversations between the Coach Carter casting team and Coach Eric Taylor, though his lack of basketball experience and Texas twang may not be the best fit in Richmond, CA. But, of course, coach Carter himself is still available; if I’m them, I stick with who I know.
The Pick: Jake Shuttlesworth
Post-pick analysis: Interesting pickup here by the Coach Carter team. I’m a little skeptical of Jake’s ability to coach an entire team, but you can’t deny his ability to get results. Jake’s son was a top basketball prospect in the country, so he at least has that going for him. A core tenant of Coach Carter was his ability to put life above basketball, so this film may go from an uplifting story to Above The Rim really fast, but as long as the basketball scenes don’t look like Air Bud, I’m ready.
Draft Grade: B-
13th pick: Family Matters
Pre-draft analysis: With Carl Winslow and Uncle Phil off the board, I’m concerned about fit here. If you want a big name, you still have the problematic Cliff Huxtable, but that would be a death wish to select him this high. I think the Winslow family will have to think way outside the box. Coach Ken Carter is looking for a home, but so is Julius Rock, who absolutely would not put up with Steve Urkle’s shenanigans. Hopefully, whoever they select here can find their daughter, Judy.
The pick: Andy Taylor
Post-pick analysis: Wow! Okay, I did not expect that. I just assumed that Family Matters would go with somebody… you know… Black. But this might work. Andy Taylor will have to get used to a world where Black people can vote, but as a sheriff, he should be able to fill Carl Winslow’s shoes… though having a white dad as a cop may change some of the family dynamics, especially for Eddie. Andy has the patience of a saint, so I think he could navigate Steve Urkle’s shenanigans a little better than Carl Winslow did. Let’s see how this plays out.
Draft Grade: C
14th pick: This Is Us (Randall Pearson’s spot)
Pre-draft analysis: With Randall off the board, This Is Us will have to find a replacement, which will be tough. As a businessman turned politician, Randall was a leader in his community and his family. Sources are telling me the team is looking to make a trade here, even going as far as offering Uncle Nicky in the deal, though they’ll need to be careful as This Is Us is the only television show or film with two dads available in this draft. I think they make a selection and wait to see who is available when it’s their time to pick again.
The pick: Mufasa
Post-pick analysis: On one hand, when trying to replace Randall’s political ambitions, choosing a literal king is almost an upgrade. I see real potential here regarding what Mufasa can bring to the table. The elephant in the room is Mufasa is a lion. The Pearsons are a human family. I’m curious to see where Mufasa lands by the end of the night but don’t be surprised if the two sides make it work together.
Draft Grade: B-
15th pick: Finding Nemo
Pre-draft analysis: Finding Nemo is a classic, and to keep its classic status, this movie could go in several directions here. You could go with Tim Taylor and hope it works like in Toy Story. Marlin is still here, so that would be a no-brainer. Christopher Gardner has slid pretty far in this draft, and I wonder if this would be the spot to pick him up. Ultimately this is where you’re looking for a man who can search for their child, no matter where that search leads.
The pick: Bryan Mills
Post-pick analysis: Wow. I guess finding Nemo is going in a completely different direction. I’m a little worried about the tone of this movie changing drastically with Bryan Mills at the helm. Though I guess if the movie’s premise is finding your kid, nobody is better at the job than the man whose favorite quote is, “I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.” Honestly, this might be kind of fun.
Draft Grade: B+
16th pick: Seinfeld
Pre-draft analysis: Seinfeld has a long history of working with memorable actors who’ve engrained themselves in entertainment history. Jerry’s Dad, Morty, wasn’t always the same actor, opting to go for a more wacky Morty than the one who appeared in the opening episodes. Clearly, the casting team is not afraid to go with the change where necessary. Frank Costanza was great in short doses, and if I were them, I’d take a good look at keeping him as George’s Dad. However, messing with the chemistry of an all-time classic like this would be dangerous, and I’m a little nervous that Frank would come back and set fire to the set if he wasn’t selected here.
The pick: Mrs. Doubtfite
Post-pick analysis: You’ve got to be kidding me! I don’t know what Seinfeld was thinking here. How is this even going to work? So you’re telling me George Costanza’s Dad will be none other than Mrs. Doubtfire? I don’t know, I mean, I see how this would be tempting, seeing how you’ve got an iconic dad available for the choosing, but this has pure chaos written all over it… and I’ll be watching every minute of it.
Draft Grade: C-
17th pick: The Lion King
Pre-draft analysis: Disney’s The Lion King has a rich history, and Mufasa is a character who invokes a sense of pride when you hear his name. With Mufasa off the board, if I were The Lion King, I would look at Goofy here. He doesn’t invoke the same level of pride as Mufasa, but he’s a cartoon character in the Disney universe which means he might fit in well. I could see them going with a Julius Rock, even a Tim Taylor though I’m not sure how Tim would feel about spending so much time in Africa. Ultimately, at this stage in the game, I expect a fan favorite like the Lion King to look at all of their options, including trading up with This Is Us.
The pick: Goofy
Post-pick analysis: Well, The Lion Kings stayed in the Disney universe here. Once Mufasa was off the board, I figured this might be a tough one to recover from, but I’m learning that Bob Iger is working the phones himself, trying to do anything to get Mufasa back. So keep an eye on The Lion King, as I anticipate Goofy will be on the move elsewhere.
Draft Grade: C+
18th pick: Mr. Mom
Pre-draft analysis: This film is a little problematic. It’s 2023, and I’m just not sure how you make a movie today titled “Mr. Mom,” where after being laid off, the main character (Dad) “switches roles” with his wife to take care of the house and the kids. They have an okay position in the draft with likable and comedic characters like George Banks, Howard Langston, and even Ricky Bobby available. However, I’m hearing that agents are working hard to keep their clients away from this pick, fearful of being blacklisted for taking part in this movie. So I guess if you’re going to go any direction, you probably stay home and choose Jack Butler since he’s at least familiar with the part enough to do it justice.
The pick: Cliff Huxtable
Post-pick analysis: Oh God, they’re trying to get canceled, aren’t they? With Cliff Huxtable’s recent prison sentence ending, I guess he can now star in films again, but there is no way this movie will make it to production.
Breaking news: After every other actor successfully lobbied to stay away, the movie “Mr. Mom” starring Bill Cosby as Cliff Huxtable, has received a lifetime ban from the Hollywood Foreign Press association and a fine of $100 million for what courts are calling “the audacity.” This decision effectively shuts down this movie forever; we are all thankful for that.
Draft Grade: F
19th pick: The O.C.
Pre-draft analysis: The OC had a memorable show run with an awful finish. I’m curious if they stand pat, going with the still available Sandy Cohen, or if they try to go in a different direction with somebody with a bit more star power. That show fell off a cliff alongside Marissa, but the right dad might be able to do what Ryan couldn’t. Either way, I’m excited to see where they go with this pick, as I see real potential here.
The pick: Coach Eric Taylor
Post-pick analysis: I love it! The OC could go in so many directions here. First of all, Coach Taylor is equipped to deal with emotional teenagers. Also, does this mean The OC just became a show about High School football? If so, I’m here for this! Excellent pickup by the team at The OC.
Draft grade: A
We have a trade to announce!
The Lion King has traded the rights to the 17th pick in draft, Goofy, along with Timon and Pumbaa to the cast of This Is Us for the rights to the 14th pick in the draft, Mufasa.
Post-trade analysis: We have our first trade! Bob Igor and Disney would not allow Mufasa to get away from them, though it comes at a steep cost. Sources tell me This Is Us was adamant that both Timon and Pumbaa be included in the deal, though The Lion King was reluctant to let them go. Since Disney has two Lion King movies under their belt, they felt comfortable letting go of some draft capital to ensure they get their leading man back.
As for This Is Us, they pick up the beloved Goofy along with Timon and Pumbaa. I’ll be honest. I have no idea what they plan to do with them but maybe they can flip them additional pieces elsewhere. I feel Goofy might be a better fit with the Pearson family long term so I’m excited to see how this comes together.
20th pick: Taken
Pre-draft analysis: The Taken franchise was hoping to keep their star, Bryan Mills, but since Finding Nemo picked him up, it looks like they will have to go in a different direction. The only dad left with the same experience is Nemo, but I think it would be tough for a fish to find anyone above the water. You could go with Daniel Plainview, who seems scary enough to star in the franchise. They could even go with a Rick Bobby here, who I’m sure has the speed to chase down anyone who’s taken his daughter though I think everyone here would struggle with leading a franchise like this. Whoever they choose is stepping into a significantly different movie than we’ve seen before.
The pick: Howard Langston
Post-pick analysis: This might be just crazy enough to work! Howard Langston of Jingle All The Way spent an entire movie tracking down a Turboman doll for his son. Clearly, he would do anything for his family, including fight a room full of Santa Clauses. But, he’s determined, tough, and crazy enough to go to unbelievable lengths to achieve his goal, so I think this is the front-runner for the pick of the night.
Draft grade: A-
What an exciting draft! After one round of picks, let’s take a look at some of the top picks available for the second round.
Walter White: I did not expect Walter White to still be available this late in the draft. He’s a unique fit, for sure, but his role was so versatile and iconic that whoever picks him up will get incredible value.
Christopher Gardner: Christopher’s stock really tumbled over the last year, and it’s unfortunate to see because I think he could really help a franchise succeed. I’m hearing rumors that both He Got Game and even a Goofy Movie are looking to move up in the draft to take him, but we’ll see what happens.
Tim Taylor: I’m a little surprised to see Tim Taylor still available though he’s not the easiest to work with from what I’m hearing. Expect The Brady Bunch to make some moves to pick him up, or his old home, Home Improvement, may look to take him back at 24 when they’re on the clock.
Homer Simpson: Now, with this, I’m shocked. I didn’t think Homer would be a top-five pick, but I expected him to go in the first round. Whoever ends up with Homer Simpson will get great value though it may be tough for him to find a home in 2023.
In round two of the 2023 Dad Draft, each film or show will only have two minutes to select their dad, meaning we’ll skip the pre-draft analysis to move this along a little quicker.
First on the clock in the second round is Friday Night Lights, as the Taylor family looks to replace their favorite coach as packs his bags to head to Orange County.
21st pick: Friday Night Lights
The pick: Walter White
Post-pick analysis: With Coach Taylor off the board, Friday Night Lights wanted to make a big splash in the ratings. Walter has experience working with High School kids, though his history with making meth may cause a few issues at Dillon High School. I’m not confident he’d be able to lead a football team to the state champtionship, but he and Landry could make a dynamic duo in the chemistry lab.
Draft grade: C+
22nd pick: Full House
The pick: Mike Brady
Post-pick Analysis: I love the pickup by Full House. I’m not sure how DJ Tanner will feel having Mike Brady as a dad, but with his experience leading blended households, this pick is a no-brainer.
Draft grade: A-
23rd pick: Everybody Hates Chris
The pick: Christopher Gardner
Post-pick analysis: Christopher Gardner will now be a young Chris Rock’s father. I think there were better choices available, but tonight, Everybody Hates Chris chose violence.
Draft grade: B-
24th pick: Home Improvement
The pick: Tim Taylor
Post-pick analysis: It looks like both sides were looking forward to reuniting here. Sources tell me that Full House wanted to bring Tim in for a meeting, but he declined by saying, “There’s no way I’m working with a bunch of liberal hippies in San Francisco!” Likewise, Tim looked around at his options but saw too much diversity in later rounds and preferred to stick with what he was comfortable with.
Draft grade: A-
25th pick: Mrs. Doubtfire
The pick: Johnny Rose
Post-pick analysis: Mrs. Doubtfire needed a leading man who was comfortable with things such as drive by fruitings and making poor choices. Johnny Rose is an interesting pick here but certainly a sensible one with dads like George Banks and Jake Shuttlesworth still on the board. For the 25th pick, I think this is a steal for what they could have ended up with.
Draft grade: A-
26th pick: John Q
The pick: Joseph Cooper
Post-pick analysis: John Q was in a tough spot here, but I think this is the right pick for what’s left. Joe C is used to making the selfless choice to save his family. At face value, it may be tough to imagine anybody else in John Q’s shoes, but I think this pick is about as good as it gets this late in the draft.
Draft grade: B+
27th pick: Good Times
The pick: Julius Rock
Post-pick analysis: Sources tell me Good Times wanted to draft James Evans Sr. to return to his family, but he absolutely refused to report, saying, “I swear, if I have to hear my son say DY-NO-MITE one more time I’m going to lose my damn mind.” Julius Rock is a no-nonsense dad, obsessed with saving a buck or two, who is the best case scenario for the classic television show.
Draft grade: B+
28th pick: The Andy Griffith Show
The pick: Jaime Escalante
Post-pick analysis: I think The Andy Griffith Show missed the mark a little bit here. After Family Matters scooped up Andy, The Andy Griffith Show sought someone with an educational background to teach little Opie a few valuable lessons along the way. I’m not sure if the whitest town in America in 1960 is ready for a Mexican teacher with experience teaching gang members in East LA, but I’ll tell you one thing; Opie ain’t getting no free rides.
Draft grade: C-
29th pick: A Goofy Movie
The pick: Max Park
Post-pick analysis: I like this pick for the Goofy Movie. While they were sad to see Goofy go, picking up a dad with road trip experience isn’t easy. Not to mention, his name is also Max! Max Park is quite musical, so in that sense, this may be an even better fit for Max Goof. Dare I say the two of them won’t have many issues seeing things eye to eye…
Draft grade: A-
30th pick: Schitt’s Creek
The pick: Frank Costanza
Post-pick analysis: I really thought Al Bundy would be the pick here, but Frank Costanza in Schitt’s Creek? This might just work! Imagine the eye rolls between David and Alexis as Frank is screaming about Lord knows what? Now I have doubts that Frank would do anything for the Rose family but make life significantly worse, but the energy between Moira and him will be off the charts.
Draft grade: B-
We have a trade to announce!
The Andy Griffith Show has traded the rights to their 28th pick, Jaime Escalante, along with Barney Fife and Thelma Lou, to Breaking Bad for the rights to their 6th pick, Hal Wilkerson and Skinny Pete.
Post-trade analysis: Breaking Bad finally got off their early mistake by sending Hal Wilkerson back a few decades to The Andy Griffith Show. They had to include Skinny Pete in the deal to make the salaries work, but I don’t think that’ll be a huge loss for the show.
Sources tell me after meeting with the team from The Andy Griffith Show, Jaime Escalante looked around and said, “Nah.” Thankfully they were able to trade for a man who might feel a bit more comfortable in Mayberry. They did have to send out Barney Fife and Thelma Lou in the deal, but I’m excited to see how they fit in with the DEA and general life in a more diverse city like Albuquerque.
31st pick: Malcolm In The Middle
The Pick: George Banks
Post-pick analysis: You know, I thought they were going to go with Al Bundy here, but I think George Banks would make an okay fit on the show, too. Look, those kids are going to run through anybody they select here, so you might as well choose a dad with the temperament to not completely lose their head night in and night out.
Draft Grade: C+
32nd pick: Stand and Deliver
The Pick: James Evans Sr.
Post-pick analysis: If anybody outside of Jaime Escalante can get those kids in line, it’s James Evans Sr. To be honest, without an educational background, I don’t anticipate Mr. Evans teaching algebra or anything like that, but those kids are going to learn tenacity and how to keep a roof over their heads.
Draft Grade: C+
33rd pick: Interstellar
The Pick: Ricky Bobby
Post-pick analysis: This pick has chaos written all over it. First of all, Ricky Bobby is absolutely going to fail in his mission to leave earth. At the same time, Ricky Bobby is the first person in this draft to have confidence in his ability to fly a rocket ship. Christopher Nolan is the one person who I think could direct this film, but he might lose his mind in the process. I’m here for it.
Draft Grade: C
34th pick: He Got Game
The Pick: Coach Carter
Post-pick analysis: With the 34th pick in the draft, this is the absolute best-case scenario for the casting team of He Got Game. After Coach Carter picked up Jake Shuttlesworth, Coach Ken Carter himself making the move to He Got Game is only suitable. Jesus Shuttlesworth always had the talent to go pro, but now with Coach Carter by his side, I see an even brighter future for the kid.
Draft Grade: A
35th pick: The Brady Bunch
The Pick: Homer Simpson
Post-pick analysis: Homer Simpson is one of those dads who has been riding on name recognition for so long. But once teams started looking at the possibility of selecting him, they all passed because his parenting style was so antiquated. Thankfully the Brady Bunch knew his parenting brand would fit right in with 1970’s dad expectations. Though the Brady Bunch will undoubtedly miss Mike Brady, like most moms in that time, Carol will unfairly have to compensate for Homer’s inadequacies, allowing the show to not skip a beat.
Draft Grade: C
36th pick: This Is Us (Jack Pearson’s role)
The Pick: Sandy Cohen
Post-pick analysis: I like this pick for This Is Us. You’ve got Sandy Cohen, familiar enough with hour long dramas television shows and raising teenagers, Jack Pearson is almost impossible to replace but trade him in for the charming Sandy Cohen and I think you’ve got yourself a show.
Draft Grade: B+
37th pick: Father of the Bride
The Pick: Al Bundy
Post-pick analysis: The Father of the Bride franchise looked at their remaining options and picked the one who at least has experience in the shoe game. Al Bundy might tank that franchise, but who else would they pick, a fish? I think Jack Butler would have been the better option, but they chose to go with name recognition, and that type of short-sightedness will cost them down the line.
Draft Grade: D+
38th pick: Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
The Pick: Marlin
Post-pick analysis: The casting team at Talladega Nights was always going to struggle here because with three dads remaining in the draft room, options are limited. Sources tell me they met with Daniel Plainview because of his ambition, but the interview was awkward and a little scary. Ultimately they liked Marlin’s speed and tenacity, and this type of movie can handle some ridiculousness. I don’t know how a fish will drive a racecar, but I’m happy to watch them figure it out.
Draft Grade: B-
39th pick: Jingle All the Way
The Pick: Jack Byrnes
Post-pick analysis: Ooh! Meet the Parents is going to be bummed about this one! They were so close to bringing back their man, Jack Byrnes, but he was scooped up with the second to last pick by Jingle All the Way. Ultimately, I feel this is the right choice here. If I needed one Dad to figure out a way to land the last Turboman for my son, the 34 year CIA veteran would likely be my top choice. Solid pickup here with the 39th pick.
Draft Grade: B
40th pick: Meet the Parents
The Pick: Jack Butler
Post-pick analysis: With the final pick of the night, Meet the Parents at least ends up with a dad of the same name. I’m worried about the lack of tension that both Jack Butler and Greg Focker might produce, not because they’re bad in their roles or anything, but because Jack Byrnes hated his future son-in-law, Greg Focker. I don’t see that level of animosity coming from Jack Butler. Ultimately, I think these two sides will make it work
Draft Grade: C-
A shocking night, to say the least!
We’ve got Bandit from Bluey heading to Springfield to join The Simpsons. The Cosby Show (can we change that name already?) received a much-needed revival with Randall Pearson joining the cast. You also had Coach Eric Taylor of Friday Night Lights selected by The OC in what might go down as the steal of the draft.
These films and shows will have a dramatically different feel once they’ve been refilmed, and while some will be watched with joy, others will be watched with a big bowl of popcorn because I cannot wait to see the chaos that follows Ricky Bobby on his way to space.
On behalf of everybody at Medium, I want to thank you for joining our 2023 Dad Draft! I’m Ryan Rucker, signing out, and wish you and yours a joyful evening.
Good night.