A Father’s Guide to Co-Piloting Parenthood

Every day, our kids are getting closer to independence. Here are four ways to be a five-star passenger in their lives.

“What do you want to be when you grow up?”

It’s a question my kids get asked almost weekly. Whether it’s a family friend seeing them for the first time in a while or the cash register at our local Sprouts, people are consistently curious about the lives my girls want to step into.

Curiosity about a kid’s future isn’t unique to us. If you’re a parent, somebody has asked your kids this question. Realistically, that somebody is probably you.

It makes sense! Understanding the lives our kids want to live tomorrow is a tiny insight into who our kids are today, regardless of whether they want to be professional athletes or garbage truck drivers (both of which have been on the list of future careers in our home).

As a dad, I want to support my girls. I see their strengths and curiosities, and naturally, I find myself thinking, “Oh, she’d be amazing at this,” “I bet she’d be really good at that,” which is why when our kids decide to forge their own path, one that may guide them in a different direction from what we envisioned, the mental change of route can be challenging for us to process.

We have these ideas of who our kids will be, and our decades of experience make us feel we know what’s best for them and their future. But inevitably, no matter how hard we try, the keys to their life remain in their hands. It’s our job to teach them how to drive, not tell them where to go.

Let’s look at four ways to be the co-pilot our children need most.

Focus On Active Listening.

It was in 1988 when the great philosophers DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince said,

“You know parents are the same

No matter time nor place

They don’t understand that us kids

Are going to make some mistakes

So to you, all the kids all across the land

There’s no need to argue

Parents just don’t understand.”

Across generations, there has always been a divide between what kids want for themselves and what parents want for their kids. Sometimes, my kids want cookies for breakfast. Call me a hater, but that’s not going to happen.

But as they get older, and their needs aren’t as evident as a child’s cry, active listening will be the tool you’ll need most as you navigate where to step in, when to be silent, and how to be the parent your kids need in each season.

This might mean a hug without analysis when they’re frustrated with an art project or listening to an entire story without telling them what they should have done instead (unless they explicitly ask for your feedback).

Active listening is crucial to your relationships and one of the top determinators of whether your kids want you to ride by their side or in a separate car.

Showcase Empathy.

Have you ever asked your kid to be careful on the couch, and they tell you they’ll be fine, and then they jump from one couch to the other and hit their head on the arm of the couch, and then they come running to you asking for ice, and you have to keep that “I told you so” deep in your pocket for another day?

As parents, you knew exactly what would happen, but sometimes, our kids need to learn these lessons independently. And when they do, it’s our job to bring empathy to the conversation, understanding the knowledge we have now was likely learned through silly mistakes, too.

We can laugh at situations like these or make light of elementary school drama because, as adults, we know these feelings will fade, but kids don’t. Bringing empathy for what a child is going through is crucial to your relationship.

Looking at their situation through adult perspectives can be confusing because kids don’t have the foresight that we do. Get on their level, work to see life through their eyes, and build trust through small moments to be there for the big moments, too.

When Needed… Be a Problem Solver.

Nobody likes a problem solver… until they need a problem solved. You know when you vent to a friend about a work problem, and they respond with a series of questions and suggestions designed to solve your problem? Meanwhile, you have zero intention of rationally addressing your colleague on Monday; you just wanted to vent.

While we don’t always need our problems solved, sometimes we’re stuck in a corner, preparing for an interview at work with absolutely no clue how to stay calm or reiterate the amazing qualities we bring to the table. For someone with interview experience, this may be their moment to shine!

Being a kid is tricky. No matter the age, they’ll come across speed bumps, wrong turns, dead ends, and flat tires. As a dad, finding out when to step in is your job. Believe me, knowing when to step in takes work, and your batting average is going to be low, but when you’re by their side, and your distractions are at a minimum, you can better prepare for the obstacles that come their way and use your decades of experience to help your kid navigate out of a tough spot.

Encourage Independence.

As my kids get older, the main thing I try to remind myself is they have their own lives. They have their own friends, feelings, experiences, and interpretations of the world, just as I do — just as I did at their age.

I hope they pick good friends. I pray they remain safe and use wisdom to navigate the complexities of school. Oh, how I want to be there for it all. I want to see my girls gain knowledge and experience, and when they come to a fork in their road, I want to give a little wink and nudge to place them on the right path toward safety, success, and joy.

But at some point, my kids will face a big decision, and my voice will be nowhere in sight. In those moments, they will need the foresight and confidence to step into their choices with clarity, and there is no better time to teach independence than right now.

This could be something as simple as letting your kid put their own toothpaste on their brush, even if it’s too little or too much. Maybe it’s letting them choose their clothes for picture day. You know your kids. Use discernment and common sense when making these decisions. But as you watch your little one grow into an opinionated young person, ready to take on the world, please remind yourself that you have your own wheel, and soon it’ll be time for your kids to take their own.

It’s necessary for our kids to learn how to navigate their own path, so instead of doing it for them, teach them how to do it themselves. It’s one of the greatest gifts you could ever give them.