Building Resiliency: A Parent’s Role in Youth Sports
Don’t shield your athletes from adversity.
Parents play a crucial role in fueling or alleviating their kid’s pressures.
As adults, we’ve got a big job on our hands. We may look at ourselves like, “Who gave us the keys to life?” I know there are plenty of days where I don’t feel like an adult, and then I realize I’m closer to 40 than 30 and very much a real-life adult.
Imposter syndrome can set in, especially when I see how my girls look at me. They listen to me. They respect me.
If I told them our house was made out of gold, there’s a slight chance they might believe me because they love me so much.
When I coach my girls, I don’t take my role as a dad for granted at all. Sure, I’m coach, but I’m still dad, and most importantly, I’m dad first. I know that my words carry weight, so when my daughter misses a defensive assignment, it’s an opportunity to speak life into her rather than tear her down.
When my daughter makes a shot, it’s an opportunity to celebrate her success rather than demanding she make more like her teammates.
I have the opportunity to build my players up or tear them down. Parents have incredible power in this department, and what we do with that power could have lasting impacts on generations to come.
Parental behavior on the sidelines and their expectations are significant sources of stress for youth athletes. Unfortunately, not everybody views sports the way I see them.
Not to say my way is right, but I’ve certainly seen some parental behavior that is beyond wrong.
Recently, I watched a parent storm the court during an entanglement between two players. I don’t like to see fourth graders play physically, but in this case, the game was a bit more physical than I would have liked.
As us coaches and the refs quickly stepped in, so did this mom, who escalated the situation, yelling and making a scene, telling everyone she was taking her son home because this was ridiculous!
The kid cried, “I don’t want to go home, I want to keep playing.” Thankfully, the mom listened. The two kids hugged it out, and the game ended peacefully, although the postgame chatter surrounded “that mom who stormed the court.”
I get the emotions; I really do. But I’ve also seen cases of parents yelling at refs and even scorekeepers. These are events that kids remember. I could still tell you which of my friend’s parents were out of control 30 years ago during our basketball games.
When parents center themselves in the game, stress can run high in these kids, so it’s up to us, the parents, to get ourselves in check for the sake of our kids.
The Numbers
36% of youth athletes cite their parents as the biggest source of stress in sports.
Think about it for a second. It’s the bottom of the ninth, and the bases are loaded. There are two outs, and you’re down one run. You’re up to bat, and the game is on the line, and all you can think about is the earful you’ll get from your dad if you don’t win the game for your team.
Sports will have a number of stressful moments as is. Kids don’t need the added pressure of mom or dad’s love being on the line, depending on whether or not they make the next play.
This is when I look at the parents and think, “Is everything okay?” Are they making up for their childhood memories? Are they insecure about something in their lives and taking it out on their kids? Do they think they’re raising the next Coco Gauff or Tiger Woods?
A significant number of kids feel the same way about their parents, meaning it’s time we look at our actions in relation to their activities.
61% of kids say they would rather have their parents cheer for them to have fun rather than to win.
This is what I love about kids. They know it’s just a game. Often, they signed up for the sport because a friend of theirs was doing it. What started as a fun activity may have become a stressful nightmare where winning is the only thing that matters.
Now I want to paint a picture for you; go with me here.
It’s Saturday night, and you’re out to dinner or on a date with your partner. You run into an old classmate of yours from school, Chad.
You haven’t seen Chad in probably 15 years, but you used to be close as kids. You ask Chad, “Hey, how’s your dad doing?” Chad responds, “You know, still at it. Do you remember our 4th Grade Baseball team that my dad coached? Undefeated! Man, we really ran the score up on those kids from across town. Those were the days, right?”
I need you to answer this question honestly. I’ll give you a few seconds to answer. How would that make you feel?
Embarrassed, right? Because absolutely nobody cares what your record was when you were a literal child. It doesn’t matter, so the idea of parents placing unseen pressures on kids to win every game just doesn’t align with their future in any way.
Why it matters
Parental pressure can cause children to lose interest in sports, leading to mental stress and early dropout. If we want kids to benefit from sports, parents need to focus on positive reinforcement and allow their children to enjoy the game rather than push them for results.
The stress caused by parental pressure can undo the positive developmental impact sports have on kids.
Do you want your kids to win every game? Well, you shouldn’t because some of my greatest life lessons have come from losses.
Robbing your kids of that experience is robbing them from developing maybe the most important skill set you can build as a human, and that’s resiliency.
This article is an expert from my podcast, Courtside Forever, created for parents trying to stay present, especially in the chaos of everyday life. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify Podcasts.
