Dads, Please Keep Your Personal Pursuits
Don’t be like Negative Ned.
“Say goodbye to the next 18 years of your life!”
…okay, Negative Ned.
This was an actual comment I received after saying my wife and I were expecting a child.
First of all, who says that? Common sense says that if somebody tells you they’re expecting, maybe they should lead with something a bit more positive than “Uh oh, your life is over.”
That’s okay. I had been watching dads for decades and had seen my fair share of men I’d take notes on, thinking, “Okay, don’t be like that one.”
While the comment was made as a joke, and I took it as such, the statement beneath the surface was, “My life was miserable once kids came into the picture,” and truly, I think that sucks.
It sucks for the dad who felt fatherhood was the end of his life.
It sucks for the kid who more than likely felt their father’s frustration more than once.
Jeff Hayward recently wrote the piece If You’re on the Fence About Having Kids, Choose ‘No.’ In it, Jeff says, “Being on the cusp of parenthood feels a bit surreal. You know your life is going to be different, but you don’t know by how much. You also worry whether you’re flexible enough to change with it.”
Jeff’s piece is a must-read, as far as I’m concerned, because in most cases, you don’t have to become a dad.
Some men feel pressured into fatherhood, thinking it’s the next step for a man to do. Some simply go along with it, not truly thinking of how their world is going to change.
Yes, having a baby, toddler, child, or kid will alter how you operate, but it doesn’t have to change who you are.
When I speak with expecting dads, a common question is, “Will I have time to do the things I like to do?” I’m here to say emphatically, yes, you will!
The biggest mistake I’ve seen dads make is assuming they can still do what they like without consulting with their partners.
“Hey honey, I’m going out with the boys tonight. I’ll be back later!”
…the hell you are.
Where this last-minute proclamation may have been accepted even a day before fatherhood, once your partner is scheduling feedings or naps (for baby and her) they may not be as accommodating to your wrenches as they once were.
“Hey babe, this weekend I would love to get together with the guys and catch up. Could we make a plan that works best for us?”
Being considerate and making it a conversation can go a long way toward cooling the stress levels that parenthood naturally brings.
Conversations like this can be tough, in part because everyone’s circumstances are wildly different. You may be thinking, “Ryan, that approach would never work with my wife,” and you’re right, I don’t know your wife.
Some partners deal with postpartum depression (which men can get, too). Some partners need you out of the house more often.
In short, my advice boils down to two things:
Communicate often
Don’t be an idiot
Men need to keep their hobbies, especially after becoming dads. I don’t know what I would do without making ice cream, playing basketball, or writing on Medium.
I take Saturday mornings to come to a local coffee shop and just write while looking at a lake.
I take Thursday nights to make ice cream, put on headphones, and just go in the kitchen, vibing.
When my buddies are in town, I love to get together with them and catch up, minus the kids, because Lord knows kids love interrupting a good adult conversation.
The point is that fatherhood can be hard and certainly stressful at times. Without our hobbies and interests, resentment can build up over time and spill out in unhealthy ways.
When I became a dad, sure, my interests had to evolve, and maybe getting permission to do certain things takes the spontaneity out of it, but I don’t see it as getting permission; I see it as openly communicating with your closest partner to make sure you can enjoy yourself responsibly and guilt-free.
Dads, lean into your interests. Find new ways to let loose when you can.
Fatherhood will change how your day operates, but it doesn’t have to change the person you are.
When I became a dad, a certain chapter of my life closed forever—that is true. But this next chapter has been exhilarating in ways I never could have imagined, especially if I had listened to comments from the Negative Neds of the world.