One in ten new dads struggle with postpartum depression. We can’t afford to keep ignoring the signs.

Have you ever heard of the term “man cold?” Essentially, it's a joke about how men tend to respond far more dramatically to the common cold than women.

Before starting this piece, I googled "man cold." I found several funny videos of women poking fun at men for our inability to conduct basic tasks while being sick when women can "power through" anything amidst fighting the flu. At this point, the man flu is a meme, though there is evidence to suggest that the flu “may, in fact, be more severe in men."

Some women feel as though we men like to exaggerate our symptoms. We're dramatic. We blow our symptoms out of proportion in order to take shifts off from parenting. That could be true for some, but the underlying commentary disguised as a joke is that men need to suck it up because women are still able to get the job done, even when they're sick.

My wife and I can both get the flu, so while our bodies are different, it's fair to compare reactions to the same virus. We have two kids in two different schools, so you know those germs love to make their way into our home time and time again. So, while we can compare our responses to colds, we can't necessarily compare everything that happens to us in our lives. For example, I will never, ever know what it's like to give birth, which, to some, means I forfeit my right to complain about anything in the weeks, months, and even years following becoming a dad.

Postpartum depression (also called PPD) is a medical condition that many women get after having a baby. It’s strong feelings of sadness, anxiety (worry), and tiredness that last for a long time after giving birth. These feelings can make it hard for you to take care of yourself and your baby. PPD can happen any time after childbirth. It often starts within 1 to 3 weeks of having a baby. It needs treatment to get better. (Source)

Postpartum depression affects one in seven women, and I genuinely can't think of much worse than suffering from depression while trying to nurse every few hours during a season when you're receiving the worst sleep of your life. Not to mention dealing with an actual body that may have just developed a whole human being, and now you're dealing with tears and stitches and pain medicine, etc. Listen, if you're looking for a "who has it worse after birth" argument, I'm not starting one. Moms win. Hands down.

But because of everything I just listed, new dads often struggle to process their emotions, keeping insecurities and frustrations bottled inside because that's what a man does, right? Imagine telling your wife that you're struggling to sleep during week two of your child's life. She'd probably laugh you out of the home while absolutely roasting you in the group chat with her friends.

While we see the realities new moms face, and there is no fair comparison between giving birth and supporting someone who gave birth, one in ten new dads experience postpartum depression, too. Yet, the overwhelming majority of men have no clue what to do with that information. Most men have no clue that postpartum depression is even possible for men.

An article titled Risk factors for postpartum depressive symptoms among fathers: A systematic review and meta-analysis showed research examining the mental health of fathers following the birth of a child. During their study, the authors found that postpartum depression is a growing area of concern, with good evidence suggesting that it is a significant public health concern. Not only is it a concern for men, but untreated depression in one or both parents may have a detrimental impact on a child's physical, mental, and emotional development.

With public figures like Demar DeRozan and Keir Gains leading larger conversations, speaking about mental health within fatherhood circles is becoming more prevalent. Still, many feel they're alone on an island, struggling to adapt to life as a dad.

Most men who struggle with postpartum depression know something is wrong. They can feel a change in their mood, energy, and attention span, but the combination of a "tough it out" culture mixed with not wanting to burden their partners with their concerns has had detrimental effects on the entire family.

Paternal mental illness also impacts parenting behaviors and overall family functioning, with cumulative evidence outlining a long-term negative influence on all family members (Source).

When becoming a dad, we're low on the sympathy bar. I get it. If you divide your empathy between dad, mom, and baby, dad is getting the crumbs every time.

I'm not advocating for reallocating the empathy percentages. Both mom and baby deserve every bit of attention and more in the early stages of the postpartum season. What I will advocate for is the humanization of new dads and the men who silently struggle with postpartum depression because when the most common cause of death of men under 50 is suicide, I think it's time we give a damn about men's mental health.

What now?

Men who deal with postpartum depression often feel there's no way out. The reality is that the first year is tough. There's no getting around it. Especially if you're a first-time father, you are going to feel like you're doing a poor job, and mistakes will be made; that is a guarantee. But once you go from "Wow, this is hard" to "I think everyone would be better if I weren't here," that's when we've crossed a bridge into the postpartum territory, and it's time for you to feel loved again.

Therapy

As of 2021, around 12% of men in the United States had received mental health treatment or counseling in the previous year. I'm going to go on a limb and assume more than 12% of us need therapy. This stuff is seriously hard. At every corner, we're fighting historical assumptions, stalled wage increases, the threat of job eliminations, etc. Throw a baby in the mix with a lack of societal or financial resources, and making it out in one piece can seem like a miracle.

Many companies have access to Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs). These programs offer helpful resources such as short-term counseling, help resolving personal problems, and more. As a long-time HR professional, I have found EAPs to be fantastic resources, but unfortunately, only about 4% of employees use them.

If you have health benefits, chances are you have access to counselors and therapists. If you're not sure, you can call your healthcare provider to have them help you find one. And let's say you want to avoid going into an office to meet with a therapist. I get it. Thankfully, there are excellent online resources where you can meet with a therapist through confidential video services. Headway is a great service I've used, and you can type in your insurance information to find out if it's accepted. Once you're in, you'll find hundreds, if not thousands, of professionals who specialize in treating your struggles in a way that makes sense for you. All in all, you've got options.

Friendships

Men are notoriously poor at keeping in touch with their friends. As I type this, I can think of five friends I would do anything for who I haven't checked in on in months. Look, I'm about to tell you to connect with your people, and I still fall short of this advice. Regardless, rich conversations with new and old friends are life-changing, especially for dads. I love my kids, but I can only talk about Paw Patrol so much (Bluey, on the other hand, I could talk about for days).

When I got laid off, I felt awful. Explaining to people that I lost my job was the last thing I wanted to do. I felt embarrassed, hurt, and incredibly self-conscious, even though 36,000 people in the Bay Area alone were facing layoffs, too. A few months into unemployment, I finally connected with one of my best friends to discuss something innocuous. Lo and behold, he and I were simultaneously going through the same struggles, even though we had no idea. How silly of me not to check in sooner.

Friends help keep us in check. Those early days of fatherhood can be genuinely lonely, but if you've got a friend who's been there before, they can remind you that the season will pass. They can even give helpful advice in a language that makes sense to you. You may have a friend who isn't a dad, and in that case, it actually may be helpful to talk to someone about something other than kids.

All I'm saying is that most people have someone in their life who would be thrilled to hear from them, and if we're honest, they would love to be a sounding board or give practical parenting advice. Now, if we're keeping it real, I've got some friends who give awful advice, so take their advice with a grain of salt. Just know that this season is hard for everyone, and while your concerns are valid, you are far from alone in your struggles.

Photo by Project 290 on Unsplash

Community

I'm fortunate enough to have great people in my life, and I don't take it for granted one bit. At the same time, I'm aware many people don't have family or friends to whom they can quickly turn to in these moments. There are men who, if they confide in their dads, brothers, or friends about the struggles of fatherhood, will be viewed as weak for not "manning up" and handling business like men are supposed to.

Thankfully, there are over 300 million Americans and 8.1 billion people on Earth. Somewhere, somebody just as weird as me exists. What I mean is I'm an ice cream making dad who loves Indiana Pacers basketball and playing pickleball. Not only could I find communities in all three of these areas, but I could likely find multiple people who match these descriptions exactly.

Suppose I go to an ice cream shop, a Pacers game, or a pickleball court. In that case, I am immediately introduced to people who share my interests without knowing their name, backstory or taste in 90's R&B music. Find your thing and get connected because focusing 24/7 on the faults in our fatherhood is a losing game for everyone.

And if you need more than an in-person community, then your options are expanded tenfold with online communities. One of my favorites is Daddit, a subreddit of dads who talk about every topic under the sun, from relationship struggles to parenting wins. Admittedly, some of the posts can be downright heartbreaking, but no matter what, you can find a dad in the comments who is harnessing the goodness of Mr. Rogers to encourage other dads to get on their feet in a way that doesn't feel demeaning or rude.

There are paid and free communities, so you've got options for where you'd like to spend your time. No matter what, there are dads just like you and just like me who are working to be better for ourselves and our families. Whether you're an active participant or a community lurker like me, being part of a community where others share your concerns can give us hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Nature

In the early days of fatherhood, it's easy to get stuck in the house cleaning up… well, everything. The cuddles are so sweet, and the time spent with family can be incredible, but as the sun goes down, it's easy to look out the window and ask, "Did I leave the house today?"

Sunshine is good for our health. Does it cure postpartum depression? Unfortunately, no, but it's scientifically proven to work wonders on your mental health. Getting outside during seasons of depression is like a free throw; easy points on your way to a bigger goal.

You could go for a walk or pick up the pace to a jog. Try hitting your local park to find some guys to play pickup basketball or sit on a bench and watch some birds. You can go for ten minutes or as long as you need (communicate with your partner, please), but just get outside. Nature is a cheat code on the way to feeling like yourself again. The changing of diapers feels endless, and the mistakes will pile up. In these moments, we feel like "better" is impossible to find again, but sometimes we need a little reset to know this season won't last forever.

Photo by David Nicolai on Unsplash

You deserve to be healthy.

I will say this forever: fatherhood is a joy. I feel this with all my heart. That said, there have been times during my journey when joy seemed galaxies away.

When my second daughter was born, I struggled in a way that I didn't with my first. While my first child was easy to console, even when she wasn't, I felt determined to try and try again because I knew I'd get it right. I knew with all my heart that she felt my love. My second, on the other hand, was not as easy for me, probably because I was struggling with postpartum depression without knowing it. I was less sure of myself and my abilities as a dad, and as a result, I felt beyond worthless in my attempts to console her.

My second try at fatherhood was hard. I felt like my youngest daughter wanted nothing to do with me, and no amount of common sense could help me overcome this feeling. As fate would have it, almost five years later, as I sit here and type, the same daughter I swore I was failing left and right just asked to sit next to me on the couch and cuddle while watching Sunday morning cartoons. I know I'm a writer, but I couldn't have written a better ending to this piece than this.

Postpartum depression in men is real, and you are no less of a man or father for struggling with it. Resources for addressing postpartum depression aren't one size fits all. Lord knows it's an uphill battle even to have this conversation in a public space.

As a new dad, you may feel as if it's your responsibility to put on a brave face and power through depression like it doesn't exist. Can you power through a road trip on fumes? No, because sooner or later, your car becomes useless and ineffective without proper maintenance. There is nothing heroic about disregarding your emotions. There is nothing manly about ignoring your mental health.

If you really want to take care of your family, then please take care of yourself as well. This world is better with you in it, and I guarantee your little one feels the same.

Let’s Talk About Postpartum Depression In Dads